Robot No. 4 -A Cookie Gone Wrong

Premature babies have trouble eating because they have had tubes down their throats, never learned how to suck/swallow/breathe and basically have been force fed their whole lives. Eli is no different. Our goal is to create good experiences orally so he will not develop an aversion. After becoming a lil’ gun shy from choking on what is supposed to be a dissolvable pill Eman didn’t want anything by his mouth. So I thought I would coax him out of this state with a cookie. These cookies require supervision. He goes after them like a Rottweiler and chomps off huge chunks, aka choking hazards. Next thing I knew I heard a big CRRRunCCHHH. Let the choking begin. Already wearing my Robot Mom cape, I flew to the rescue, immediately remembering the video training I watched it was like I had already performed the finger sweep on a plastic baby, oh wait I had…Eli needed a bit of patting (don’t worry CPA, the correct amount of pressure was applied) which triggered the lovely up-chuck reflex. Once Puke-E was settled I shed the puke over or pullover and continued on about my day. Later I realized I was struttin’ my stuff sporting what seemed like a gallon of puke! Imagine, this would never happen if I had a sidekick (currently accepting applications). Eli must have aimed the puke down into my pullover, sneaky little puker he is, bery bery sneaky. In case anyone was wondering what trends have hit Stanford Montana, feast your eyes!

Robot Mom No. 3 -Getting Saucy with Robo Dad

Since having Eli Josh and I don’t really get a chance to go out to eat together. Well we had the opportunity and went to Jaker’s because I love their soup and salad bar. Nothing special just salad bars aren’t to-go friendly. We have become the king and queen of delivery or take out when we are in town since Eli can’t mingle with the germ carrying population. It’s an extra special treat to go to a restaurant. In true date night fashion we went out and even ordered an appetizer- bacon wrapped shrimp with some sort of plum sweet and sour sauce. Yum.

The waitress clears away the entire table attempting to balance it all on one are and the top of her tower was the plum sweet and sour sauce which of course came toppling down and landed in Josh’s lap! I watched the lil’ chippy of a waitress dive into Josh’s crotch in hopes to clean up the sauce. This is the point in the movie where the waitress would start apologizing for her reflex to clean him up and touching him inappropriately. But, not this girl! Oh, no. She was still down there working diligently to de-sauce Josh, and Josh at this point has leaned back to enjoy it! She apologizes repeatedly for her clumsiness, but nothing about wiping his crotch for a half an hour!

We laughed all the way home. I kept laughing thinking of Josh having to drive home with a plastic bag under his butt to protect his seat. The laughing didn’t stop when he had to change his boxer briefs because it had soaked through! I think all of my laughing set me up for Karma to sauce me.

On another day, I went to Perkins with my Mom and my Aunt. The waitress brought all of our food at once each served on a plate that was 14 pounds alone. I have no idea how they balance these puppies on their arms. Well I think our waitress was asking the same question. I didn’t know if I should grab my Mom’s plate to help the poor gal out, but the plates moved in what was like slow motion- right into my lap and down my side! It was cocktail sauce that was attracted to me the most. It was in the pocket of my jacket even! As we look around for more napkins we see the other waitress behind her that was only carrying a side salad- what the heck, think perhaps she would have been helpful with the rest of the meals? Anyway, she quickly returned with a wet rag and looked at the sauce oozing down my side onto my butt. She looked at me wanting to help desperately but realized she would have to touch my butt to do so, and paused, and asked permission. After the waitress wiped my butt and hearing a million apologies from the other waitress we died laughing. Of course I had to tell them about Josh’s experience and that I had it comin’!

Robot Mom No. 2

Well, just when I thought Eli had it bad enough with his robot mom...it turns out he has a robot dad as well.  We went to Helena (where my doctor is, about 1.5 hrs away) and as we were walking out the door Josh says with Eli in hand, you ready?  Yep, and we were off.  What Josh should have asked is did you grab the diaper bag and fuel the car?  Nope.  So as we were 'drivin' on fumes' as my Mom would say and totin' a baby without his tool kit.  Let's just say we are glad we were visiting civilization that had a Walgreens!  Only a robot mom and a robot dad (or maybe robo dad sounds better?) would travel with their child without a diaper bag.  We don't need no stinkin' diaper bags, heck we could have used a diaper bag for Josh.  Since Eli can't be around other people while I was in the doctor (the scootch doctor as I call them, when you go for a yearly it's pretty much the only time you will hear someone say 'scootch, just a little more' ugh) Josh stayed in the car with Eli.  We were late because fueling the car halfway took up some time, Josh's using the bathroom defueling time to be exact.  When I came back to the car Josh asked if I wanted some apple juice.  I was looking at an Arrowhead water bottle knowing good and well they don't bottle apple juice.  Oh man!  Poor Josh had to defuel Dumb and Dumber style.  *Note to self, travel more with Eli so we are prepared for trips with fuel and diapers.

Robot Mom No. 1

 I am not a 'big baby person'. Not meaning I only like small babies, I am just not mushy gushy over babies like some folks. I joke that I am a 'robot mom'.  I don't know how to hold them, talk to them or even be around them.  It was so obvious that I am my Mother's daughter when I watched her with Eli.  It was hysterical, we talk to him like he is 45 years old, get all stiff when we hold him and look like the most unnatural humans on the planet.  But then I realized, I love my Mom, I could not ask for a better mom.  Who cares if I am not the the baby whisperer, Eli won't even remember it anyway!

After watching Knocked Up [way before I had Eli] I knew I wanted a Baby Bjorn. Having total use of your hands while toting a babe is more my style. Here's where the robot part comes in. So I whipped out that bad boy baby carrier and enjoyed the freedom of having my arms once again. Eli and I did the dishes and just walked around the house. Josh kept looking at poor Eli with his arms sticking straight out, almost having to be up in the air because his armpits rest below the top of the carrier. Even though Josh and I questioned the comfort, Eli was having a blast.


I took the little man to town [I live in Great Falls] and thought, I could really get the car packed in a hurry if I put my lil' joey into his pouch. While trying to shimmy him town into his fave new spot I realized that there were arm holes below the top of the carrier! Oh geez, poor little guy was needlessly getting tortured through his armpits last time!!

And after that you would think that I knew my way around this pouch, but oh no...it's was bugger to get him into and out of this fabric contraption. I found quick release things that disconnect the top part. Genious! If that was robotic enough I let Josh's mom try it out and she found how the bottom disconnects for easy pouching and depouching. Man, four times to find out those Baby Bjorn folks knew what they were doing! Robot mom gives Baby Bjorn two arms thumbs up.